dear mama

 Dear Mamma,

I don’t even know how to begin—my heart is heavy, and tears are falling as I write this.

I’ve applied for asylum here in the UK. Every moment feels like punishment, and I can’t help but feel that I’ve been cheated—not just by one person, but by life itself. You always warned me to think carefully before trusting people, but I didn't listen. I now see how badly I misjudged everything.

You know, Amma, when my divorce happened, I kept that truth close to my heart. But the moment Dilip found out, I think something shifted in his mind. Maybe he thought I had received alimony or some financial benefit. I made the mistake of telling him I was planning to go to the UK—and from that moment, I unknowingly laid a trap for myself.

Dilip saw that as an opportunity. He pretended to care, and created a situation where he convinced me we should get married soon. It was during peak COVID times, and we were already dealing with so much. Do you remember, Amma—your gallbladder surgery had just happened. It was meant to be a minor procedure, but it ended up being more serious due to an ulcer. You kept telling me, “In two or three days, I’ll be fine,” and we were both looking forward to attending Sumit’s wedding together. (Sumit—mama’s son, my maternal uncle’s boy.) His marriage was scheduled for the week after your surgery.

We had made plans. We were hopeful. But you couldn’t even get out of bed after surgery. You were in pain and couldn’t move, and I knew I couldn’t leave you. So we cancelled our plans to attend the wedding.

In the middle of all this chaos, Dilip pushed for our own wedding to happen urgently—on 10th December at Tirupati Temple. I was hesitant. Something inside me wasn’t sure. But I don’t know what insecurity or weakness took over me, Amma—I agreed. I still regret it deeply. I left the city on 9th December, and the wedding was done early morning on the 10th.

Now I see clearly—he wanted everything rushed because he wanted to secure his way to the UK through me. And I, foolishly, trusted him. I don’t want to call it the biggest mistake of my life, but the truth is, my life has become more painful since then. I feel trapped.

Amma, I miss you so much. This asylum process is long and draining. The solicitor has told me I cannot leave the country during this waiting period. And that thought—that I can’t even come to see you—it’s killing me every day. I worry about you constantly. You and Papa are both over 70. There's no help in the house, and no one around to support you.

And what hurts even more is Renu. She’s just 50 km away, yet it’s been over two years since she visited you. She doesn’t call, doesn’t check in. But maybe I’m worse than her. She doesn’t claim to love you—so she has no responsibility. But I do. I say I love you, I say you mean everything to me—and yet I’m not there beside you. So who’s more guilty?

I don’t know what to think anymore. Everything feels blank. The only thing I know for sure is that I love you deeply. And I’m so sorry.

Please take care of yourself, Amma. You are always in my heart, in my every breath, in every tear that falls.

I love you. I miss you. Always,
Your daughter

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